I Still Love You
by carlee.nae
Summary: It's Halloween and Sirius is remembering a time when he and James were still together, and when it all ended. Then he feels that dreaded pain, and everything may just be over. SLASH SiriusxJames


**A/N: So here is something that I started writing a week ago, and I just finished it just now. I was really happy because I was having a writer's block and suddenly this came into mind. I was writing like crazy! That's why it gets crappier towards the end - my mojo stopped :P**

**So this is my story on what happened before Sirius found out that James and Lily were killed.**

**Hope you like it!  
**

If there was one thing that Sirius Orion Black could not tolerate, it was betrayal; and boy, he knew what betrayal felt like.

He thought that he and James had something special, something unique, but obviously not. Sirius tried his hardest to forget what had happened, but the hole in his heart was just too large to mend itself. He tried to tell himself that time was all he needed. All he needed was some time for his heart to piece itself together again.

There wasn't enough time. The rest of his life wasn't going to be enough time to mend his broken heart. So what else could Sirius do?

Pretend it never happened. That was exactly what James was doing, wasn't it? James was ignoring the fact that they had something special together. He was pretending that he had ever stopped loving Lily.

It just wasn't fair...

"_I'm gonna head off to bed," Sirius said, bringing his arms up to stretch them. He glanced at James and nodded a nod so small that it wasn't visible to anyone who wasn't waiting for it._

_In response, one corner of James' mouth twitched upwards._

"_It's 8.30," Remus said in disbelief. He looked up from Peter's essay, in which he was correcting, and his mouth was hanging open. "You never sleep this early."_

_Sirius shrugged, trying to hide his smile. "I don't know. I'm just feeling tired for some reason." He began to pack up his unfinished homework and stuffed it in his book bag without a care. "And the fire is making me kinda drowsy."_

"_You know what, quidditch training was a serious pain in the ass tonight," James spoke up. "McDern really got us working tonight. I should rest up before the big game this weekend." He then proceeded to gather up his loose parchment, too._

_Remus turned to him, looking suspicious, but to Sirius' relief, he said nothing. Remus was beginning to realise that something was going on between the two of them and the pair were finding it increasingly difficult to find excuses to be alone each night. It didn't matter; it was all worth it in the end._

"_You know, I think I might join them..." Peter made a move to stand up, but Remus kept a firm grip on his elbow. _

"_No way, Wormy," Remus snapped. "If I'm going to correct your work, then you are going to stay with me until I'm finished, you hear?"_

_Peter looked up at James with pleading eyes, but he just chuckled. "If you want good marks, Wormtail, you're going to have to suffer."_

_Sirius couldn't take his eyes off of James as he walked behind him up the stairs. He started at the top of his head, the messy mop of hair, and worked down his slender neck, over the muscles on his back visible through the tight tee he was wearing and down to his tush._

_Oh, yes. Sirius thought it was a very nice tush. Oh, how he wished he could grab it. Not now, though – he had to wait until they were back in the dormitory, away from prying eyes._

_Once the boys got up to the dorm room and the door was closed, Sirius couldn't wait any longer. He dropped his book bag, grabbed the boy's shoulder, spun him around and looked into those brilliant chocolate eyes. They were the most beautiful eyes that he had ever seen._

_The boy in front of Sirius pushed him back against the closed door and captured his lips in a heated kiss. Sirius had lost count of how many times they had done this, but every single time he felt a tingle up his spine and the butterflies in his stomach. It was nothing like he had felt for anyone else – male or female._

_When air supply became an issue, the two pulled apart both breathing heavily._

"_I love you," Sirius whispered. It was true; he had never said it to anyone before, but saying it at that moment just felt like the right thing to do._

_James smiled. It wasn't the usual, mischievous smirk that he used to give to Lily, but the sweet, tender smile that he saved for Sirius alone. "I love you too."_

_For the first time in his life, Sirius felt complete. A tear slid down his cheek and he pulled James into an embrace._

It had been the best night of Sirius' life. It was one of those rare nights where he thought that the two of them would work out their secrecy issues and also what was going to happen to Lily. Sirius laughed to himself. _Yeah right_, he scoffed mentally. _I should have known that James would never let her go._

Sirius shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. It had already gone cold.

"_What the hell do you want with me?" Sirius screamed. "Leave me alone!"_

_He spun around, clenching his right hand into a fist, and aimed a punch at a grimy, scratched wall in the shrieking shack. Why did James have to follow him here? It's not like he cared about him at all. He was the one who threw away their love for some silly girl who finally admitted her feelings for him._

_Sirius felt James' familiar hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off. Anger pulsed through his veins and he felt like hitting something again. His breathing grew heavy and his jaw clenched. "Just leave, James."_

"_No. I won't leave you here on your own."_

_Sirius turned, but didn't dare make eye contact. He looked past James to the other wall, determined not to look into those eyes. "Why do you even care?" he hissed. "Obviously you prefer her over me, so why?"_

"_Because I love you."_

_Sirius' head snapped up. He ignored the hurt that was present in those chocolate coloured eyes that he used to adore so much. "You love me? YOU LOVE ME? If you loved me, you wouldn't be dating Evans now!" _

_A tear slid down his cheek and James drew up his hand to wipe it away, but Sirius slapped it away. "Don't touch me. Tell me why you're dating her then leave me be."_

"_It would have looked strange if I declined Lily, wouldn't it? After all these years of asking her out..."_

_Sirius began sobbing. It was such a pathetic excuse, and it hurt that James would throw away everything they shared together for that pathetic reason. "You stopped asking her out. It shouldn't have mattered."_

"_She said that was why she told me that she loved me. I had finally given her some space."_

_Sirius sniffed and wiped away the fresh tears that had escaped. "You said you loved me."_

_James stepped forward and placed a kiss atop his head. "I do. I'm sorry."_

_With that said, James turned on his heel and walked away, sending one last sorrowful look at Sirius before turning into the beautiful stag and trotting through the door hanging on its hinges._

That life changing event occurred during the last week of their seventh and final year of Hogwarts. Sirius scoffed at himself. He couldn't even last a week without his best friend, his ex lover. He had reunited with the Marauders on the train trip back to Kings Cross. Sirius knew that it would be better having James in his life and feeling the hole in his heart continually tearing wider, than not having the boy in his life at all.

Sirius taught himself to ignore the pain that he felt every time he saw James and Lily together. He ignored the pain that he felt as he watched the two say their vows as he stood behind James, he ignored the pain he felt when James had told him that Lily was pregnant, and he ignored the pain that he felt when he looked down into baby Harry's eyes and saw that they were the exact colour of Lily's.

Those eyes, if anything, should have been a chocolate colour.

Sirius sighed and turned his head to look out the window. It was after dark, but the older kids who were still trick-or-treating were still out on the streets, knocking on doors, hoping to get some candy. Only once had Sirius ever gone trick-or-treating. It was the summer before his final year at Hogwarts – whenJames still hadn't accepted Lily's love, and when the two were still dating in secret.

How Sirius wished that his life could return to the way it used to be – to when he was still in his seventh year at Hogwarts. Everything was still so perfect...

A sudden pain shot through Sirius' chest, and he lifted up his hand to clutch at his heart. The pain, beginning at the heart, shot through the rest of his body. The pain was almost unbearable. Sirius had only felt this pain once before. Suddenly, Sirius realised what it was – something was happening to James.

The pain left as quick as it came. Sirius pushed himself off his chair. He ignored the spilt mug of coffee that he had dropped on the floor and began pacing. He was panicking – something was happening, and he needed to do something about it.

Sirius had known that it was going to happen eventually, but surely not so soon! He never thought that Peter –

No! It wasn't Peter's fault, not entirely. It was mostly his own! After all, it was Sirius who had convinced James to make him Secret Keeper, and convinced him that Peter couldn't be trusted. _I should be there! I should be protecting him!_

Of course, it wasn't only James that Sirius had to protect – there was also little Harry and Lily, or course.

There could still be time. He needed to go do something! Without a second though, Sirius turned on his heel and apparated to Godric's Hollow.

_Please, James, don't be dead yet. I still love you..._

**A/N: Well, there you have it. Please review, even if it is just a sentence or a bit of constructive criticism. Hope you liked it!**

**jadedxdreams**

**xx  
**


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